This Road Leads Only to Sorrow
by LoserxLoser
Summary: Karma wondered if he lost his mind somewhere along the way. Surely that was the only explanation as to why he wanted to go to Kunugigaoka Junior High, right? Right? Part Three of an AU. (Cross-posted on ao3 under the same username)
1. The Great Kunugigaoka Battle

_**January**_

Karma was eleven years old, and he was terrified of his mother.

Well, maybe _terrified of his mother_ was the wrong way to put it. Perhaps _terrified of what she'll do when I ask this_ was more accurate. And maybe _terrified_ wasn't the correct word choice either. Perhaps _anxious, apprehensive,_ or even _nervous_ would be a better fit. However, altering words didn't change the core problem, and the core problem was that Karma felt terrified.

He glanced around the corner of the hallway, attempting to spot his mother in the kitchen. Her back was turned to him, and he could hear her humming as she diced vegetables for dinner. _Maybe I shouldn't do this when she has a knife in hand,_ Karma thought nervously.

Decision made, he hurried away from his hiding spot towards his room. He was so incredibly relieved to be able to put _that_ conversation off for a little while longer that he didn't even mind the voice chanting _coward! coward!_ inside his head.

Well, mostly.

* * *

Karma poked at the food on his plate with his chopsticks, the knots in his stomach making it impossible to even consider eating. He could feel his stepfather's worried gaze on him, but he refused to look up and meet his eyes. He required all his strength just to summon the courage to broach the subject with his mother.

"Karma?"

 _Ah_ , Karma thought. It seemed his stepfather was not content with being ignored.

"Hm?" He sighed, still poking his food with the chopsticks.

"Are you all right? You seem... quiet."

 _Should I mention that okaa-san hasn't spoken a word to me since we sat down?_ Karma wondered.

 _Best not._

"I'm fine," he replied instead. "I guess I was just lost in thought."

"Oh?" This seemed to perk his stepfather's interest. "Are you thinking about where you'll go for junior high? With your grades, I'm sure you could go anywhere you wanted. Do you have anyplace in mind?"

Karma felt his anxiety multiply tenfold. _Come on, come on!_ he told himself. _It's no big deal. It's just a junior high. Surely she won't care that much. It'll be fine. Just tell them! What's she going to do? Disown you?_

 _She just might for this,_ he thought miserably.

Karma swallowed nervously, his eyes flicking over towards his mother. She still hadn't looked up from her plate. "Actually, I do know where I want to go."

"Really?" Mr. Akabane sounded excited. "Junior high is an important time in a young man's life. So? Where are you thinking?"

 _Come on, come on! You can do this!_

"Kunugigaoka Junior High School."

 _Silence._

Karma's gaze was locked on his mother, who had frozen in her seat. Her chopsticks were halfway to her mouth, and her eyes seemed to be bulging out of her head. If Karma wasn't currently struggling to remember how to breathe, he might have thought she looked comical. However, since he was, he just thought she looked stunned.

 _Will you look at me now, okaa-san?_ Karma thought hysterically.

 _"What did you say?"_ Mrs. Akabane seemed to be struggling to breathe, her face slowly turning an ominous shade of red.

Karma gulped, but determinedly pressed onward. "K-Kunugigaoka Junior High School."

Karma's mother was looking at him with eyes so horrified Karma couldn't help but wonder if maybe things were better when she didn't look at him at all. "Have you lost you mind?" She inquired, still with a desperate and shocked tone of voice.

"No," Karma answered. He set down his chopsticks, and lifted his chin in a false show of confidence. "I want to go to Kunugigaoka Junior High."

"There is _no way in hell_ that I will allow you to go there!" Karma's mother burst out frantically, seeming to be at the end of her patience. "What are you thinking? Why would you want to go _there_ of all places?!"

Karma felt his heart plummet inside his chest, but he wasn't ready to lose hope yet. The battle had only just begun, after all. "It's one of the best junior highs in Tokyo, _okaa-san_. If I want to get into a good senior high school, I'll ne-"

"Don't try to sell me that crap!" Mrs. Akabane interrupted. Her eyes were wide and manic, her mouth pulled into a sharp frown. "We both know that's not why."

Karma's shoulders hunched protectively as he tried to keep his chin up. "I don't know what you're talking about," he said flatly. "I want to go there so I can get into a good senior high school. That's all."

His mother closed her eyes and took a deep breath, then began to stand up from her chair. "I don't know what you're trying to pull, Karma, but I've had enough. You're not going to Kunugigaoka. End of story." She stormed away from the table, and Karma heard her bedroom door slam a few moments later.

"Well," Mr. Akabane said awkwardly. "I suppose that could have gone better."

Karma glared at his plate silently.

Mr. Akabane sighed and collected both his and Mrs. Akabane's plates. "I'll try and talk to her, Karma." He turned to look at Karma, his eyes both serious and compassionate. "If you're sure this is what you want."

Karma nodded. "It is."

Mr. Akabane nodded curtly in return before taking his leave of the dining room table as well. Karma was left, alone, still glaring at his full dinner plate. His mother had looked him in the eye for one hundred forty-eight seconds, but he still felt miserable.

 _Pathetic_ , the voice in his head hissed.

For once in his life, Karma agreed with it.

* * *

 ** _February_**

 _Three weeks._ Mrs. Akabane had been gone for _three weeks_ , and Karma was beginning to worry he had pushed his mother too far this time.

After the Great Junior High Dinner Fiasco, Karma had woken the next morning to discover his mother and stepfather gone, and in their place a short note:

 _Left for business trip. Money in the drawer. Back soon!_

 _-Mr. A_

 _(P.S. your mom is still angry, so I wouldn't call for a while.)_

That was three weeks ago, and so far Karma had only received two phone calls, both from his stepfather. They had gone something like this:

Karma: _How's your trip?_  
Mr. Akabane: _Good, good! How's school?_  
Karma: _Good. The school year's almost over, though. Entrance exams are coming up._  
Mr. Akabane: _..._  
Karma: _..._  
Mr. Akabane: _Well, looks like I have to go now! I'll send you some more money soon. Have fun, and don't work too hard!_  
Karma: _Wa-_  
Mr. Akabane: _Bye!_

 _Click._

Karma was beginning to feel frustrated with his mother, his stepfather, but mostly with himself. _Stupid,_ _stupid!_ he would hiss inside his head. _What were you thinking? That you would tell her and she would be perfectly fine with it? You idiot! Why do you want to go there so badly, anyway? Do you really want to have to see_ _ **his**_ _face again?_

He couldn't run away from the real reason he wanted to go to Kunugigaoka, though. It was always there, in the corner of his mind, ready to be taken out and examined when Karma was feeling particularly low. _Don't you want them to see? Don't you want_ _ **him**_ _to see? How smart you are? How far you've come? That you're not_ _ **worthless?**_ _Don't you want to show nii-chan that you can be just as good as him? Don't you want to show otou-san what he abandoned?_

 _Don't you want her to_ _ **see**_ _you?_

And so Karma would strengthen his resolve, and tell himself that he would just wait a little longer. _Okaa-san will come around, right? It's just a junior high, after all. It's not like I'm asking to go live with otou-san..._

 _No_ , the voice in his head said snidely, _you just want to delve into that monster's kingdom for three years._

 ** _Shut up._**

* * *

Karma's reprieve came a few days later.

He was retrieving the mail after school one day, absently flicking through bills and advertisements when he came to it. His breath stopped, his feet halted, and the world around him disappeared. Karma read the return address again and again, trying to convince himself it was real and not a hallucination.

 _Kunugigaoka Junior High School_  
 _Tokyo, Japan_

Karma's fingers shakily fumbled with the letter, desperately trying to rip it open as fast as humanly possible. _Is this it? Is this it? How is this here? Why would she...?_

There it was. Black ink, proclaiming his future to the world:

 _Your testing date has been scheduled for..._

Karma couldn't breathe. There it was, the answer to his prayers, and he couldn't breathe. He had been struck dumb, standing like an idiot in his driveway. _How is this here?_ he asked himself. _I don't understand. How did this happen?_

Karma was eventually able to reboot his brain and resume his walk into his house. His legs felt robotic; his brain felt like mush. He didn't even realize he was dialing his stepfather's cell phone until he heard the ringing in his ear.

 _"Karma?"_ He heard his stepfather's voice. _"Is everything okay? You don't usually call me..."_

"No, everything's fine," Karma answered. He attempted to push his way past the fog in his head. "I just..."

 _"Ah."_ His stepfather sounded amused. _"I think I can guess what this is about. Did you get the letter?"_

Karma blinked in shock. "How did you...?"

 _"What, you think your mom signed those forms for you?"_ Mr. Akabane scoffed.

Karma felt his world freeze again. _"You_ signed them? Why would you do that?"

Mr. Akabane was quiet for a moment. _"Karma... I know we don't talk much, and I know I don't usually say anything when your mom gets into one of her... moods. But I want you to know that, no matter what, I'll always be there for your and your mom, all right? And that means that, sometimes, I'll have to take sides."_ Karma's stepfather sighed, _"I_ _ **really**_ _hate taking sides. But you told me this was what you wanted, so I tried to convince your mom."_ He chuckled, _"I tried bringing it up that night, but I got a lamp thrown at my head for my efforts."_

 _Was_ _ **that**_ _what that noise was? Huh..._

 _"Anyway, the point is if you really want this, I'm on your side. So, I called the school and got them to send the papers to me. Long story short, you take Kunugigaoka's entrance exam in two weeks. Congratulations! Now I just have to figure out a way to tell your mom..."_ Mr. Akabane trailed off nervously.

"Thanks," Karma said, his opinion of his stepfather steadily climbing in his mind. "I mean it."

 _"You're welcome, Karma. I'll try to get your mom home soon, but I can't make any promises."_

"That's fine. I'm just... glad it all worked out."

Mr. Akabane laughed quietly. _"Don't get too comfortable. I still don't know whether I'll make it home alive or in a body bag. But I'm happy if you're happy."_ Karma heard a murmur of voices in the background. _"I have to go now, Karma. I'll send money soon, okay?"_

"Okay. Bye."

 _"Bye!"_

Karma stared at the telephone in his hand, and tried to make sense of what had just happened. _Did he really just... do that for me?_ Karma felt a warm feeling spread throughout his gut.

 _Yes, he did._


	2. Gakushuu-nii

_**April** _

Karma paced up and down his room and tried desperately not to throw up. _What was I thinking?_ he thought frantically. _What was I **thinking**? I can't do this! Okaa-san was right. I must have lost my mind. Right? No sane person would willingly subject themselves to this. Oh, no, what have I done? Why couldn't I have picked a different school? Why couldn't I have listened to okaa-san? Why am I such an **idiot**?_

Karma collapsed on his bed with a groan, hiding his face with his hands. _Stupid, stupid, stupid! You're never satisfied with what you have, are you? You just **had** to rock the boat. You just **had** to push okaa-san too far. Why couldn't you just be happy with what you have? So what if she doesn't see you? So what if you're alone? So what if otou-san hates you? Why does that have to matter? Couldn't you have just been content with your lot? You could have been number one at any other school! But nooooo,_ he thought scathingly, _you just **need** them to see you, don't you? Don't you know by now that you'll never be as good as nii-chan? She'll never see you, and he'll never care about you! Don't you know that by now? Why are you still trying? Stupid!_ Karma sighed and removed his hands from his face, dull eyes gazing up at the ceiling.

 _There's no way I'm sleeping tonight,_ he thought miserably.

* * *

Karma stared up at the imposing gates of Kunugigaoka Junior High and considered running back home as fast as he could. _No one would care,_ he thought hysterically, feeling the knots in his stomach clench painfully. _Okaa-san won't be home for days, and I can just call the office and say I have cancer or something. I won't have to see **him** at all._

But then Karma remembered the dark, empty house that awaited him, and he knew he couldn't run away. _She has to see me,_ he reminded himself. _I won't stop until they see me. If I work hard, I can show **him** that I'm just as good as nii-chan. If I work hard, she'll know I'm not **him**. I just need to work hard, right? Then she'll see. Then they'll **both** see. I'll beat nii-chan, and then she'll love me again. I'll show her I'm not a mistake. I'll show her she can be **proud** of me._

Karma glared at the gates accusingly, finally feeling his courage return. _This time_ , he promised himself, _this time I'll make her proud. She'll see me this time, I just know it._

So Karma straightened his spine, lifted his chin, and marched through the cursed gates of his father's domain.

* * *

Karma was the first one in his classroom to arrive. In fact, he had left his house thirty minutes earlier than necessary just to achieve that goal. He wanted to be able to watch his classmates trickle in, keeping a watchful eye on the hair color of every person who entered the doors. Of course, he knew the odds of him being in his class were fairly slim. He also knew that his hair color could have changed in the three years they had been apart, but he watched the door anyway. He couldn't have stopped himself if he tried.

Slowly, maddeningly slowly, students began to fill in the chairs around him. Karma was seated at the very back corner, where he had the perfect vantage point to observe the class discreetly. He quietly analyzed and subsequently dismissed them all. _Will you be here?_ he thought to himself. _Will you be here, or am I raising my hopes for no reason?_

Ten minutes before class began, Karma finally spotted him.

The boy came in alone. Violet eyes flitted from student to student, dismissing them all just as Karma had already done. His spine was perfectly straight, with his lips fixed into a kind, amiable smile. His uniform was neat, almost _too_ neat. Karma scrutinized every angle of him, but he couldn't make out a single wrinkle, couldn't pick out a single flaw. The boy smiled, greeted the students around him, and sat down in a front row seat. His posture remained immaculate; his benevolent smile never faltered.

Karma could feel his individual blood cells _boiling._

The boy hadn't seen him yet. He probably judged those sat in the back row beneath his notice, or maybe Karma was just attaching unwarranted malice to him. In the end, though, that wasn't what mattered. What mattered was that the boy hadn't seen him, and Karma could reserve the shock for a little while longer. _Oh, what fun that will be,_ he thought gleefully. _Will you recognize me? Will you come and say hello? Will you ignore me? Will I crack that composed mask you have on, nii-chan?_

Karma didn't know if the butterflies in his stomach were nerves or excitement. _Maybe a little of both,_ he decided. _It's been three years, after all. How different are you? How different am **I**? Did you miss me? Do you even think about me anymore? Are you even **you** anymore, or are you just a plastic shell? How much of you is still the brother I knew, and how much of you is the person father wanted you to be? _So, with thoughts whirling and anticipation steadily rising, Karma sat and waited for the teacher to call attendance.

He didn't have long to wait.

The teacher made his way through the names slowly, since he also required the students to stand and introduce themselves to the class. After each name, Karma felt the adrenaline rush stronger through his body. _Almost time, almost time!_ he chanted in his head. _Are you ready, nii-chan? Hm? I hope the Akabane name doesn't throw you off. Well, Karma is such an odd name it should be fine.  
_

"Akabane Karma," his teacher read off the list dully. "Please stand and introduce yourself."

Karma rose slowly, his heart clenching in a mixture of terror and exhilaration. He watched the boy's shoulders tense from across the room. Karma heard him take a sharp inhale of breath, almost like he was choking. The boy swiveled in his chair so fast Karma barely had enough time to paste a pleasant smile on his face before the boy's eyes were on him.

"I'm Akabane Karma," he announced. "I'm very excited for what this year holds in store for us." Karma bowed low, his heart thundering inside his chest.

He sat down as slowly as he had risen, humming quietly to himself before eventually looking up to meet the boy's eyes. He was still staring at Karma, his composed expression completely eradicated. The boy's eyes were bulging, and his mouth hung agape in shock. He seemed to have forgotten how to breathe, and Karma took sadistic satisfaction in that. _Oh, dear,_ Karma cackled inside his head. _You look so ridiculous! Try to pull yourself together, nii-chan. I'd hate to ruin your first impression._

The teacher had continued with the roll call without Karma noticing. Finally, he got to the name Karma had been waiting all day to hear.

"Asano Gakushuu," the teacher called, his tone as bland as it had been on Karma's name. "Please stand and introduce yourself."

The boy shook himself from his stupor and mechanically moved from his chair. He stood as slowly as Karma had, seeming to be struggling to peel his eyes away from Karma to face the class. "I'm Asano Gakushuu. I look forward to learning with you all." He smiled, bowed, and sat down again.

Karma scowled at his flawless introduction. _Come on, Gakushuu-nii. Can't you make a fool of yourself just once? After all, it's not every day you see your little brother after being separated for three years. You could stand to be a bit more incredulous. I was hoping you'd **at least** stutter a word or two.  
_

 _Oh, well. Maybe if I ignore him he'll get frustrated and slip up. That could be amusing.  
_

* * *

Karma didn't need to wait long. Gakushuu cornered him at lunch.

Karma felt a sharp tug on his uniform blazer as Gakushuu clenched his fist in the fabric and slammed him against the hallway wall. "What the _hell_ are you doing here, Karma?"

Heart beating rapidly in his chest, Karma gazed up with a fabricated expression of puzzlement. "I'm sorry, have we met?" He mustered as much charm as he could to pour into a sweet smile. "I'm really bad with faces, you see."

He watched Gakushuu's jaw clench and eyes narrow with morbid fascination. "Cut the crap, Karma. I know it's you." Gakushuu illustrated his warning by knocking Karma's head against the wall again.

Karma resisted the urge to groan in pain. Instead, he widened his eyes in a false show of cognizance and gasped, "Oh, my! Is that you, Gakushuu?"

Now that he was mere inches from Gakushuu, Karma could make out his facial features more clearly than when they had an entire classroom between them. What he saw nearly took his breath away.

Because while Karma strongly resembled Asano Gakuhou, Gakushuu was the spitting image of him.

He had his hair, even though it was a few shades lighter. Karma suspected the color would darken as the years passed. He had his jaw and his cheekbones. They shared the same skin tone and his mouth was a near replica. Perhaps the most disturbing revelation, though, was that Gakushuu inherited his _eyes._

Karma had only ever seen _those eyes_ when they were dark and cold. His father had never smiled at Karma, had never looked at him with love or joy or pride. In fact, he couldn't recall if his father had ever looked at him with _any_ emotion. Gakuhou was a distant figure in Karma's childhood; he had seemed indifferent to his second son's very existence. To see _those eyes_ locked on him with the heat of emotion for the very first time in Karma's life felt as if someone had ripped his heart from his chest and crushed it before his eyes.

 _What would okaa-san say if she saw you?_ Karma thought desperately. _Would she see me then, if she knew what you looked like, Gakushuu? Do you think she could love me then? If I am such a monster because I **resemble** him, what does that make you? If I am a disappointment, are you an abomination? Have I finally surpassed you in something?  
_

"Stop playing," Gakushuu warned, drawing Karma back into the conversation. "Why are you here? You're not even in this grade!"

Karma tutted disapprovingly. "Now, now, _onii-chan_ ," he crooned mockingly. Gakushuu, much to Karma's inner delight, flushed at the title. "No need to be so harsh! I just got so _bored_ in my class." Mercury eyes widened in a fabricated cover of innocence. "I just wanted to catch up to my big brother, see? So," Karma shrugged as much as he could with Gakushuu's iron grip on his shirt, "I skipped a grade. Now I get to learn with _nii-chan_ , isn't that great?" Karma smiled sweetly once more.

"No," Gakushuu seethed. "No, it's _not_ great. What are you _thinking_ , picking this as your junior high? Have you lost your _mind_?"

 _Why do people keep asking that?_ Karma wondered absently. _Do I give off a crazy vibe?_

"Gakushuu-nii is so cruel," Karma pouted. "If this is the greeting I get after three years, I really have to wonder about your behavior with others. Has _otou-san_ really been so negligent with your manners?"

Gakushuu tensed, and inside his head Karma crowed with delight. _Do **you** see me, nii-chan? Do you? I have your undivided attention right now, isn't that incredible? What a rush! I'd forgotten what it feels like to have your eyes on me. What do you see? Am I different? Do you recognize me? Or do you only see **him** in me too?_ Karma scowled inwardly. _**Do** you see me, Gakushuu? Is it **my** face you see, or is it still his? Why is it always **him**? You don't have any right to see **him** in me! No, not with the way **you** look.  
_

"Shut up," Gakushuu growled. His fist clenched tighter on Karma's blazer, and Karma strongly suspected it would be wrinkled for the remainder of the day. "Why would you come _here_?"

Karma dropped his fake smile and glared up at Gakushuu. "I'm tired of being invisible, _nii-chan_ ," he said, the last word being spat out with contempt. "So I want you to bring your very best against me, because I won't be satisfied until I've completely _annihilated_ you." He pasted his sweet smile back on again, and inwardly knew his eyes were alight with manic glee. "Okay, _onii-chan?_ " He purred, stepping forward to crowd into Gakushuu's space.

Gakushuu stumbled away and dropped his hold on Karma's shirt, surprise evident on his face. Even though Karma was a few inches shorter than him (Skipping grades doesn't entail being the same height as your new classmates, unfortunately.) and several pounds lighter, Gakushuu appeared almost _unnerved_. _Yes!_ Karma cried mentally, adrenaline rushing through his veins. _Yes, yes, yes! You **do** see me! Who's the coward now, Gakushuu? Don't you see? I'm just as good as you are! Soon, okaa-san will know that, too. Oh, how magnificent it is to be **seen**._

Karma straightened his ruffled shirt, shooting a sly look at Gakushuu. "Well, it was nice seeing you again, but I think class is about to restart. Wouldn't want to be late to that, right?" Karma brushed past him, lazily raising a hand in farewell. "See ya."

 _Let's play again soon, nii-chan._

* * *

 **_June  
_ **

Karma glared at the ranking sheet with complete fury in his eyes. _Three_ _points._ He had placed _three points_ below Gakushuu in the midterms, which left him in _second_ place. _Can't you get anything right?!_ he screamed at himself. _A fat lot of good big talk will do you if you can't back it up with results! Do you expect okaa-san to see you if you perform like that? She'll never see you if you can't even beat Gakushuu! Do you really expect to force otou-san to regret throwing you away when you screw up like that? Why do you keep **failing?!** Are you really such a complete moron that you can't even get a **tie?!** Is that so hard? Is it really so difficult to answer questions?! What were you thinking?! CAN'T YOU GET SOMETHING RIGHT FOR ONCE IN YOUR PATHETIC LIFE?!_

"Karma?"

Karma stiffened at the concerned note in his brother's voice. Turning slowly, he attempted to fix his expression to disguise his rage, but suspected it remained a grimace. "Can I help you, _Asano_?" He bit the words out harshly, despite his efforts to hide his irritation.

Gakushuu frowned at the edge in Karma's tone, then glanced around him at the ranking sheet. A small, smug smile appeared as he read the results. "Well, that explains it." He leaned in close to whisper in Karma's ear, "I guess you have a bit to improve before you outshine your big bro, huh?" Satisfaction _oozed_ from him as he stepped back to observe Karma's response to his taunt.

Karma felt utter wrath course through his entire being. His mouth twisted into a threatening scowl as he retorted sharply, "I hope this doesn't make you too complacent, Asano. I'll be stealing first place next time."

Gakushuu's smirk remained firmly planted on his face. "I'm beginning to think you're all talk, _Akabane,_ " he purred out. "At least tie with me before you say you'll beat me, all right?" He turned to leave, waving a hand dismissively. "Better luck next time!"

Karma glared daggers at his back. _Next time. I'll get you next time. I'm not stopping until **I'm** the one on the pedestal, do you hear me? They **will** see me. I'm going to wipe that smug look off you face, Gakushuu-nii. Just you wait._

 **_I'll show you what it's like to fail._ **


	3. Delinquency

**_October_ **

_What am I doing wrong?_ Karma thought desperately. _I've spent every spare second studying, drilling facts and memorizing equations over and over. I've crammed books and writing techniques into my head. I've read ahead; I've learned math and science years beyond my grade; I have a reading level equal to a senior high school student's! So why can't I **beat** **him?!** What is so special about **him?!** I've destroyed every single one of my competitors over the years; why is he different? Why can't I reach him? Why do I keep failing?!_

The number two by his name seemed to mock Karma as he glared at the ranking sheet. Karma's scores had crawled nearer to Gakushuu's over the months, but the number two remained firmly in place. He wished he could be proud of his achievements (perfect scores in three subjects was nothing to sneeze at), but he just couldn't bring himself to celebrate. The _one point difference_ between his and his brother's scores taunted him, mocked him, kept him awake at night cursing his own stupidity.

 _Failure, failure!_ the voice in his head jeered. _You've been at this school for six months and you **still** haven't beat him. Where is all that big talk? Where's your **resolve?** She'll never see you if this is all you have to offer. Maybe you should just get comfortable in second place! That's where you've been all your life, right? Second son, second best, second smartest, second strongest, **second priority!** That's all you'll ever be! They'll never see you! He'll never want you! She'll never love you! Who could love such a failure? Who could love such a **disgrace?** She obviously can't! She hasn't gone to a single parent-teacher conference; she didn't even show up to your entrance ceremony! Has she looked at you at all this year? Has she told you she loves you? How many days has she been home this year? Sixty? Seventy? Has she asked you about school? **No!** She doesn't love you; she'll never see you! All she sees is **his** face when she looks at you. Do you understand? She only sees a **monster** when she looks at your face. Monster, failure, monster, failure, monster, failure..._

Karma walked home alone, the taunts ringing in his ears for hours afterwards.

 _Failure._

* * *

 _**December** _

"Oh, _Asano_ ," Karma purred out triumphantly. His lips stretched into a victorious smirk as he crowed in delight, "are you scared yet?"

Gakushuu scowled at him, shoulders tensed and fists clenched at his sides. "Not even close, _Akabane,_ " he said through gritted teeth. "Just because we tied doesn't mean you're suddenly better than me."

"Oh, no," Karma easily agreed. "Of course it doesn't. But it _does_ mean I can say I'll beat you next time, _ne?"_

Gakushuu looked like he wanted to tear Karma apart. Violet eyes were narrowed into slits, and his nostrils flared dangerously. His right hand flexed, as if Gakushuu was considering punching him. Karma vaguely wondered if he could bait him into it. "You should enjoy this brief vacation from second place," he said. "You won't be so lucky next time."

"Oh?" Karma raised an eyebrow, stepping in closer to Gakushuu. "Will _nii-chan_ bring his all next time?" He crooned into his ear.

" _Yes,_ " he hissed out, irritation (and potential homicide) clear in his tone.

"Good!" Karma nodded curtly, backing out of Gakushuu's space as quickly as he had invaded it. "The victory will be _so_ much sweeter if you give it your all."

Karma began to walk backwards from Gakushuu, waving his hand obnoxiously. "Bye bye, Asano! See you tomorrow!"

He spun around, turning his back to Gakushuu. Karma heard him splutter unintelligibly behind him, and he smirked.

 _Well, nii-chan? Are you scared yet?_

* * *

Karma's hands fumbled in the December chill, attempting to dial his mother's cellphone number on his walk home. _She'll be proud of me for this, right? I tied with nii-chan; she has to be impressed! She'll **see** me for this, I just know it. First place in one of the best junior highs in Tokyo is incredible, right? This will make her love me. It has to. It **has** to._

 _"Karma?"_ His mother's voice crackled through his speakers. _"What is it?"_

Her flat voice put a slight damper on Karma's spirits, but he pressed forward anyway. _She'll love me for this, right?_ "The scores for finals were posted today, okaa-san!" He burst out, his excitement causing his words to rush out. "I tied for first with a four hundred ninety-eight! I got perfect scores in Math, Science, and Social Studies. I only missed one point in English and one point in Japanese, isn't that great?" Karma knew his voice sounded desperate, even to himself, but he couldn't help it. _She'll see me for this, right?_

 _"That's nice, dear."_

 _What?_

 **_What?_ **

_'That's nice, dear'?  
_

 _That's all I get? I work and I study and I pour my heart and my soul into those tests, and I get **that?**_

 **_What?_ **

But Karma's mother wasn't finished.

 _"Listen, Karma,"_ she said hesitantly. _"Something came up with work, so we won't be home for another couple of weeks."_

Karma felt the world freeze around him as he stopped dead in his tracks. He heard the words, but his brain struggled to comprehend their meaning. "But... doesn't that mean...?"

 _"We won't be there for your birthday. I'm sorry, Karma."_ She had the decency to sound apologetic.

Karma stared at the ground for a long time before he remembered he was supposed to answer her. "It's fine," he said dully. "It's just a birthday. No big deal."

 _"Right!"_ Mrs. Akabane said, relief flooding her voice. _"Well, I have to go. Bye, Karma!"_

 _Click._

Karma stared at the cellphone in his hand and tried to make sense of the past forty-five seconds. _I finally tied with him. I was almost perfect. I missed **two** points. So why didn't you **see me?** Why didn't you **care? Why didn't you...?!**_

The voice in his head laughed hysterically. _Stupid! What were you thinking?! Did you think you would get her attention with a measly four hundred ninety-eight? That isn't perfect, is it?! You have to be **perfect** , remember? She won't ever see you if you're not perfect! But you'll never be perfect, will you? Oh, no! You're a **failure** , remember? So you'll never be perfect, and she'll never see you! She'll never love you! Have fun spending your birthday **alone!** Poor Karma, all alone every day. Maybe if you were **perfect,** she would want to be with you. Even when you tie, you're still a failure! 'That's nice, dear' is all you'll ever get from her! And if you can't get her to see you, you'll never get **him** to see you either, will you? Pathetic! Stupid! Fai-_

Karma rammed into something hard and muscular.

He blinked in shock and looked up, locking onto the furious eyes of a teenage boy. He was tall, several inches above Karma. He appeared to be maybe fifteen or sixteen, with large muscles and an even larger scowl. Black hair was slicked away from his face, and his sludge colored eyes glared intensely down at Karma. His face was pinched with rage, hands clenched into fists at his sides.

"Eh?" The teen growled. "Are you blind or something? Watch where you're going, stupid!"

"Sorry, I didn't see you," Karma mumbled. He moved to walk around him, but the guy grabbed hold of his school blazer and lifted him onto his toes.

"Sorry doesn't cut it," the teen sneered. "You go to Kunugigaoka, don't you?"

Karma nodded mutely as his heart began to accelerate.

The teen grinned maliciously. "Good," he said, then decked Karma across the face.

Karma went sprawling into the dirt, face awash with sharp pain and mind reeling. _What's with this guy?_ Karma asked himself, any panic or fear stunned right out of him. _Is it because I go to Kunugigaoka? So what?!_

Karma was still struggling to recompose himself when he heard the teen approaching. He could hear the boy cracking his knuckles in an ominous manner. Karma rolled over so he was on his back, his hand cupping his throbbing cheek.

"I recognize that high-and-mighty look in your eye, brat. All you elites look the same." He jammed his shoe into Karma's rib cage, which elicited a sharp groan of pain. "I'm in Class 3-E, you see? So I got a grudge against any of you main campus snobs." Another kick found its mark in Karma's gut. "And it looks like you're all alone out here, right?" The boy crouched down beside Karma, a nasty smirk on his face. "You gonna cry, baby? You gonna call for your mommy? You think she'll come save you?"

 _You gonna call for your mommy?_

 _You think she'll come save you?_

 _**No. I don't.** _

With a furious yell, Karma launched himself at the teenager. The boy stumbled back in shock, apparently too aghast at Karma's reckless charge to respond. He made no attempt to defend himself as Karma straddled him and tried to pound his _stupid_ face into the dirt.

 _ **Punch.** That's nice, dear. **Punch.** We won't be there for your birthday. **Punch.** I'm sorry, Karma. **Punch.** You gonna cry for your mommy? **Punch.**_ _I'll see you as much as I can, okay? **Punch.** I promise. **Punch.** I guess you have a bit to improve before you outshine your big bro. **Punch.** Goodbye, Karma. **Punch.** Bye, Karma. **Punch.** I have to go, Karma. **Punch.** We won't be home for a while, Karma. **Punch.** Second place. **Punch.** Failure. **Punch.** Pathetic. **Punch.**_

The voice in his head was back, its shrieking laughter loud and manic in Karma's mind. _What a joke! Your mother would never_ _ **save you** from anything, would she? That implies she **cares** about you at all, and we both know that's not true! She **hates** you! She hates looking at you; she hates talking to you. She doesn't want anything to do with you! Isn't that hilarious?! Isn't that **fascinating?** You're such a complete failure that your own mother can't find it in her heart to love you! You can try to be perfect all day long, but that won't make her want you! What a failure; what a joke!  
_

 **_SHUT UP._ **

_Do you see me now, okaa-san?_ Karma screamed inaudibly. _Can you love me yet? Am I perfect yet? What else am I supposed to fix? What else am I supposed to destroy? My face?! My eyes?! My voice?! What else do I have to do to get you to love me? Should I rip my heart out? Should I peel the skin off my face? Do I need to destroy every reminder of **him** in me? Do I need to alter my very DNA? What else do you want?! What else am I supposed to do? When is enough **enough?!**_

Karma lost track of the punches he had thrown. He knew his knuckles were a bloody mess, and he knew the boy under him had long since stopped moving, but he couldn't bring himself to stop. His limbs were moving of their own volition; he had no say in the matter. All he saw was a haze of red fury, numbing his mind and body until the only sound he heard was the roar of adrenaline through his veins. A psychotic grin dominated his face, but he didn't care. He had held in all his rage for _so long,_ and he was _sick of it._ He was sick of _trying_ ; he was sick of _failing;_ he was sick of being disappointed _time_ and _time again_. His mind was consumed by a never-ending mantra, repeated over and over and over _and over and over and over._

 ** _Do_** _you see me now? Do **you** see me now? Do you **see** me now? Do you see **me** now? Do you see me **now? LOOK AT ME LOOK AT ME LOOK AT ME LOOK AT ME LOOK AT ME LOOK AT ME LOOK AT ME LOOKATMELOOKATMELOOKATMELOOKATME...**_

Karma was forcefully yanked from his haze by a strong arm. Suspended in the air by the back of his shirt, Karma realized that he was surrounded by three teenagers. They were just as big as the one now lying pummeled into the dirt, but they were much, _much_ angrier.

"What are you doing, you sick freak?!"

"Yeah, who do you think you are?"

"You think we'll let you get away with pounding on our buddy?!"

Karma just blinked.

 _That_ set them off. The one holding Karma's shirt slammed him into the ground, then planted his shoe on Karma's chest to keep him still. The other two flanked him, landing punches and kicks simultaneously. Karma tried to curl into a ball to protect himself, but the foot on his chest didn't budge. So he was left to feel every blow connect, every kick find soft flesh to abuse. Blood trickled down his face and into his eyes, the bitter copper scent filling his nostrils. After each bout of pain, Karma wondered if this was for the best. _My face will be swollen, right? I won't have to see **him** in me, right? I'll look completely different, **right?**_

 _Someone's laughing.  
_

 **_Punch._ **

_Who?_

 _**Kick.** _

_Oh._

 _**Punch.** _

_It's me._

 _**Punch.** _

_I'm laughing._

 _**Kick.** _

_Why am I laughing?_

 _**Kick.** _

_It hurts, so why am I laughing?_

 **_It hurts._ **

**_IT HURTS._ **

**_IT HURTS!_ **

Eventually, when Karma's mind was mush, his throat hoarse from laughter and his body in a state of agony, the stabs of pain came to an end. The teenagers were gone, and Karma was left alone, body aching and bleeding into the dirt.

 _It's fitting,_ he thought to himself, dull eyes peering sightlessly across the ground, _that I'm alone when I'm hurting the worst._

He didn't know how, but he found the strength to laugh again. The sound was harsh, grating, and entirely without mirth.

 _What am I talking about?_

 **_I'm always alone._ **

* * *

Karma managed to drag himself home that night, bruises and blood aside. As he showered and washed the grime off, he watched the water swirl pink into the drain. The drops scalded his back, and he knew it was turning his skin red, but he didn't even care. He examined his swollen knuckles dully, the pain barely registering through the fog in his head. When he stepped out of the shower and saw his reflection in the bathroom mirror, he grinned despite the sharp twinges of pain.

 _His face was unrecognizable._

 **_Perfect._ **

* * *

Gakushuu cornered him the next morning.

"What the _hell,_ Karma?" Gakushuu kept a gentle grip on Karma's shoulders, rotating his body slowly to get a good look at the extent of his injuries. "What happened? Who did this to you?"

They were in an abandoned classroom, completely isolated and unobserved. Gakushuu had taken one look at Karma that morning then proceeded to _carefully_ drag him away from any unwanted observers. _Afraid to be seen with me in public, nii-chan?_ Karma thought viciously. _You_ _wouldn't want anyone thinking we were **friends** or anything, would you? It might get back to **him** , after all. You can't have that, can you?_

Karma jerked away sharply, teeth gritted at the fresh wave of pain that rolled through his body. "None of your business, _Asano,"_ he spat.

Gakushuu just rolled his eyes. "Would you knock it off already with the _Asano_ crap? You're my _brother,_ stupid. I think you can call me by my first name." He reached for Karma again, but he batted Gakushuu's hands away.

"Am I?" Karma snarled.

" _Yes,_ " Gakushuu huffed exasperatedly.

"So you wouldn't mind if I started calling you _Gakushuu-nii_ in class?"

The uncomfortable look on Gakushuu's face told Karma all he needed to know.

"That's what I thought," Karma said stiffly. He leaned against one of the empty desk tables with a grimace and crossed his arms. "I'm sure you're perfectly fine with being my brother in an abandoned classroom, but what about in front of your friends?" Karma sneered at the contrite expression on Gakushuu's face. "What about in front of _otou-san_?"

"Like you even want _otou-san_ to know you're here," Gakushuu retorted. "Don't act like I'm the only one who wants to keep the other a secret. Now would you stop trying to aggravate me and tell me who did this to you?"

"I already answered you. _None of your business."_ Karma bared his teeth in a feral grin.

"You are a stubborn, annoying little pest! Why do you have to make everything so _complicated?"_

"Flattery will get you nowhere, nii-chan," Karma said haughtily.

Gakushuu groaned in frustration. "At least tell me _okaa-san_ knows what happened," he petitioned, brow still furrowed in concern.

Karma let out a sharp, mirthless laugh. "She doesn't even know something _did_ happen. It's not like she would care, anyway." He clamped his mouth shut after that, mentally flinging curses at himself for letting that slip.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Nothing," Karma said. He pushed himself away from the desk, barely managing to stifle a wince. "I have to get to class." He brushed past Gakushuu, ignoring the other's attempt to grab him again, focusing instead on straightening his limping gait into a semi decent walk.

 _Don't act like the caring big brother when **you** were the one to break your promise._

 _I don't need your help. I don't need anyone's help._

 **_I've been alone so long I don't need anybody else._ **

* * *

When Karma's mother came home two days after New Year's, she didn't even mention the combination of fresh and aging bruises on his face. In fact, she didn't look at him at all. She wished him a happy late birthday, informed him of what they were having for dinner, then turned her back to him again. Karma pretended his heart wasn't being shredded inside his chest.

She was gone again three days later.

So Karma won fights and he lost fights, each time feeling the adrenaline take over and direct his body through the vicious movements. He learned to enjoy the blood, enjoy the pain, enjoy the _misery_ onhis opponent's face. He reveled in it, basked in the glow of utterly humiliating someone that wasn't him. Even when he lost, he still took pleasure in his face being turned black and blue. As long as his face was bruised, that meant he didn't look like _him._ And as long as he didn't look like _him,_ Karma was happy.

So Karma would punch and punch and scratch and bite, letting the fog consume his mind, directing the rage he normally focused on himself at whoever was unlucky enough to cross paths with him. He would laugh and he would grin and he would pretend his thoughts weren't a flurry of _do you see me? Do you see me? Do you see me? DO YOU SEE ME YET, FATHER? AM I STRONG YET? DO YOU LOVE ME YET, MOTHER? CAN YOU LOOK AT ME NOW? DO YOU CARE ABOUT ME YET? LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT ME, DAMMIT! I'M RIGHT HERE! I'M NOT INVISIBLE; I'M NOT HIM. I'M RIGHT HERE. **LOOK AT ME.**_

Students avoided him when he returned after winter break, whispering about the _bruises_ and the _fights_ and how _Akabane turned psycho._ Karma couldn't bring himself to care, though. As long as his grades didn't slip, he held no interest in the student body's gossip. He had one goal; that was the only thing that mattered. Fighting was secondary. His classmate's opinions weren't even a concern. His only priority was beating Gakushuu.

Karma's grades never slipped. He tied with Gakushuu at finals; he won more and more fights; he graduated his first year of junior high.

 _But the chanting in his head never stopped._

 _**(Failure. Failure. Failure. Failure.)** _


	4. Suspension

Karma thought there must be something wrong with him. Some mental defect, maybe, or a fluke in his DNA. It didn't matter _what_ was wrong with him, but he knew something was. Something was _twisted_ inside of him; he just knew it.

Why else would he find joy in tormenting others?

Every time he fought, he lost himself in the _blood_ and the _pain_ and the _screams._ Adrenaline took over, and before he knew it, he was staring down at the abused body of his opponent. At first, that was when Karma would walk away. He had won the fight, so the game was over. Eventually, though, Karma wasn't content with just _winning._ He wanted to _destroy_ his opponent; he wanted to smash their psyche into tiny pieces that, while fixable, would never be the same again. He wanted to etch misery so deeply into their faces that they couldn't help but think of _him_ whenever they felt pain.

That was wrong, wasn't it? Karma knew he shouldn't have thought that, but he _did_ _._ He knew he should have felt guilty for it, but _he didn't._ He just smiled and laughed and beat the poor fool into a pulp. Karma relished the moment when they realized their defeat was inevitable - the light drained from their eyes, leaving only quivering, cowering, _defenseless_ morons. He _enjoyed_ the way they looked at him - like he was some sort of monster, some sort of _demon._ At least they were looking at him, right? Even for those few, short moments, they were focused entirely on him, and Karma _loved it._ He loved them looking at him with contempt; he loved them looking at him with disgust. He loved them looking at him with rage; he loved them looking at him with blood lust. He loved them looking at him with fear; he loved them looking at him with despair. Their only thoughts centered around him, and he basked in the glow of their complete attention. _  
_

Because if the right person wouldn't _look at him_ for the right reasons, then Karma would just force the wrong people look at him for the wrong reasons.

So every time he shoved wasabi up some kid's nose, or dumped jalapenos down a throat, he ignored the voice inside his head that screamed at him to _stop! Stop! This isn't what you want! What are you doing? Do you really want her to see you like **this?** You know this isn't right! You can't prove your strength this way! **Stop!**_

Ignoring one voice was easy when another was shrieking above all the others every day.

 _**(Failure. Failure. Failure. Failure.)** _

* * *

**_July  
_ **

"Hey, Karma, do you have a minute?"

Karma blinked as he peered over his video game at his stepfather. Mr. Akabane stood in the doorway of Karma's bedroom, arms crossed with a concerned look in his eyes. "Yeah," he said, setting the game aside for a moment. _I only have ten minutes left in my break,_ he inwardly sighed. _I really wanted to beat that level before I go back to studying. I hope this doesn't last long.  
_

"I want to talk to you about something your teacher said during the parent-teacher conference yesterday. _"_

 _... I'm not going to beat that level, am I?  
_

"Oh?" Karma mumbled, eyes focused on his mattress to avoid his stepfather's searching gaze. "What'd he say?"

Mr. Akabane moved from his place in the doorway, sitting down on Karma's bed with a quiet sigh. "Well, he said you have no trouble at all with the schoolwork, even though you're a year younger than your classmates. In fact, he said you and another boy are constantly competing to be number one, and that you're both currently tied."

"Uh-huh."

"And he said that all your schoolwork has been perfect, or near perfect. Apparently, you're years ahead of most of your classmates, and you shine especially brightly in math."

"Uh-huh."

"He also mentioned that he's never seen you act friendly with any student, and he doubts you have any friends at all. He's concerned that you've been ostracizing yourself - avoiding your classmates, not joining any clubs, not participating in group activities. He said the only times he's seen you interact with anyone is when you're teasing that other boy."

"Oh..."

"Yes," Mr. Akabane said, his usually relaxed voice turning into something stern, something unfamiliar. "That's what I said, too. It appears numerous rumors about you are floating around. The most popular seems to be that you're part of a gang. Apparently, these rumors are causing your classmates to avoid you. Your teacher said that you showing up to class with various injuries started the rumors. He listed off the injuries he'd seen you with - bruises, gashes, strained muscle, bruised knuckles, maybe a few broken fingers as well. He said you show up to class like that every day."

 _He doesn't sound angry,_ Karma mused, still examining the pattern of his bed sheets. _More... exasperated. Like he doesn't know what to do with me. He doesn't seem overly concerned about the fighting, but he was genuinely upset when he talked about me having no friends. Why does that matter so much? Everyone in Class A prioritizes grades above everything else. How am I different? Who cares if I don't belong to any clubs, or hang out with anybody, or even eat lunch with anybody? What's the big deal? You'd think this guy would be more worried about all the injuries._

"I see," Karma said quietly. "Is that all he said?"

"Karma," Mr. Akabane said lowly, "look at me."

Karma haltingly raised his head to meet his stepfather's eyes. Mr. Akabane had a mixture of emotions clearly playing across his face - agitation, concern, frustration, and one more, though Karma couldn't label it. _He's so easy to read,_ Karma wondered. _Doesn't he know that letting your emotions show so plainly leaves you **vulnerable?** What does he have to gain from allowing people to read his thoughts so easily? _

"We've talked about this - about you needing to put more effort into socializing. You can't be a loner forever. You need friends you can rely on - people you _trust._ You can't just hide from the world behind your intelligence. I know it can be scary to put yourself out there, but you've got to _try._ You have such a big heart, Karma, and I'd hate to see you bury it all your life."

Karma's expression remained impassive throughout his stepfather's speech. "Is that all?"

Mr. Akabane sighed, his expression having shifted into one of unmistakable sadness in response to Karma's apathetic words. "Yes, that's all." He rose slowly, then made his exit from Karma's bedroom, closing the door silently behind him.

With his stepfather gone, Karma's stony mask morphed into a fierce scowl as he glared daggers at the wall.

 _I'm not scared, and I'm not **hiding** from anyone._

* * *

 **_October_ **

"Akabane, do you know why you're here?"

Karma stared impassively at Ono-Sensei as he expertly managed to display a calm, nonchalant facade, even though his heart raced inside his chest. "Yes, _sensei,_ " he answered blandly.

Ono-Sensei frowned from his position in his chair, and his fingers tapped absently on his desk. "And why are you here?"

"I hit a student," Karma said. His voice conveyed both his boredom with the current situation, and that he was simply waiting to be punished.

"That's not the whole story, though, is it?" Ono-Sensei questioned as his eyes took on a mischievous twinkle.

Karma blinked in shock, not making any move to answer. _What are you doing,_ he wondered to himself. _All you have to do is say that I was wrong and then punish me for it. Why are you going off script? Nobody ever asks for the whole story - why are you? You're just making more trouble for yourself, sensei. You're not even required to know the circumstances. I hit a fellow student - that automatically frames me as the bad guy._

"You see," Ono-Sensei began, "I asked a few of the witnesses to your little spat with the other student some questions. One young lady confessed to me that the boy you hit had been, well, acting _inappropriately_ with her. Apparently, she told him to leave her alone, but he refused. She claims that's when you stepped in and told the boy to leave. He refused again, even going so far as to threaten you, and _that's_ when you hit him. Does that sound about right, Akabane?"

"Yes, _sensei,"_ Karma said. His shock with the turn of events caused his voice to come out a mere whisper.

Ono-Sensei grinned. "That's what I thought."

"So, am I still in trouble?"

Ono-Sensei sighed and stood up. He began to make his way around the desk towards Karma, speaking as he went, "well, I normally don't support violence of any kind. Hitting doesn't really solve problems, see? I've heard plenty of stories about your fights on and off school grounds, and I know you're a pretty combative guy, Karma. Regardless of that, I'll make you a deal." He rested his hand on Karma's shoulder in a show of support. "So long as you are in the right, _sensei_ will always be on your side, okay?" **[1]**

Karma gaped at him. Ono-Sensei wasn't known as a particularly kind man, nor was he knows as a particularly _unkind_ man. In fact, he came across as a fairly average teacher. He helped the students if they had any questions, but he never really went out of his way to aid any of them. He wasn't a class favorite, but he wasn't the worst teacher either. So, for him to go so far as to _justify_ Karma's behavior, even promising to support him in the future, was entirely out of character. Despite his misgivings, Karma couldn't help the warm feeling that was spreading throughout his gut.

 _You see me, don't you?  
_

 **_Finally, somebody sees me._ **

* * *

**_March_ **

"Man, I'd hate to be in Class E!"

Karma paused on his walk home from school due to a conversation in an alley that caught his interest. As he peered around the corner of a building, he took note of the situation. A boy was held against the wall by another boy, with a third leering over his shoulder. They all appeared to be a year or two above Karma, and they all wore the Kunugigaoka uniform. The boy being held against the wall already sported several bruises and seemed to just be waiting for more to be added. Karma wondered absentmindedly why he wasn't fighting back, but all thoughts ceased when he overheard the next words that came out of the bully's mouth.

"Yeah, that bunch of failures can't do anything right! Honestly, they're so pathetic. Why don't you guys just disappear, huh?"

 _Bunch of failures._

 _Pathetic._

 _Can't do anything right.  
_

 **_Just disappear._**

Karma was on them before they even realized what happened.

He brought his knee up to bash against the first bully's head, effectively knocking him out. He then proceeded to yank the other bully away from the boy by his hair, smashing his face into the concrete wall until he was certain the bully's nose had been broken. He slammed the bully onto the ground, giving him no time to gain his bearings and fight back. He delivered three swift, sharp kicks to the boy's gut before moving to straddle him. The bullied student had fled right after Karma had begun his attack, so he didn't worry about holding back. Karma brought his fist down onto his face as hard as he could each time, the other's words still ringing in his ear.

 _Failure._

 _Failure._

 _Failure._

"How do you like it?!" Karma asked, mania seeping into his voice. "How does this feel?! Not so fun now, is it?! Does this hurt? Do you feel _weak?_ "

 **_Failure._ **

**_Failure._ **

**_Failure._ **

Hysterical laughter bubbled out past his lips as he bashed the bully's face in, but he didn't care. He preferred any other sound to the one being chanted in his head.

 _**FAILURE.** _

_**FAILURE.** _

_**FAILURE.** _

" _SHUT UP!"_ Karma wailed, vaguely aware of the tears spilling from his eyes and down his face. "Shut up, shut up, shut up! _Go away!"_ Karma pounded the bully's face even more viciously, as if his fists alone could drive out the shrieking inside his head. He could smell the strong metallic scent of blood, and in the far corner of his mind he recognized that the blood wasn't only from the bully. His knuckles _throbbed,_ and he knew that blood seeped from the unintended, yet self-inflicted gashes, but he couldn't stop. He _couldn't._ As long as _that voice_ was still inside his head, he knew he could never stop. The voices only quit when he was in too much pain to think, and he wasn't there yet. He had to keep hitting, keep _hurting,_ until there was only beautiful silence.

 _**FAILURE!** _

_**FAILURE!** _

_**FAILURE!** _

Karma shakily pushed himself away from the unconscious bully and propped his back against the cold concrete wall as the slow trickle of tears shifted into harsh, wracking sobs. " _I know,"_ he whimpered quietly, drawing his knees up to his chest and burying his face in his arms. " _I know."_

 _You never let me forget._

* * *

A few days later, Karma stood outside of Ono-Sensei's office, adrenaline rushing, chest heaving, and hands clenched into aching fists. _What a splendid fool you were,_ the voice in his head cackled. _I suppose you were taken in by that man's promises of **support** and **understanding.** What a joke! To think that he would betray you in such a way - hilarious! I guess this shows you where trust will get you, hm? All teachers are the same; all people are the same! They'll tell you whatever you want to hear, then drop you as soon as it benefits them. Haven't you learned this lesson before? What was it that Gakushuu told you? 'Just because okaa-san and otou-san are separating doesn't mean we have to' ? He never visited you, did he? See?! He dropped you as soon as he could! What an idiot you are for not learning this lesson sooner! Maybe next time you won't be so quick to fall for a teacher's honeyed words, right?_

 **_Shut up._ **

Karma moved away from Ono-Sensei's office, his mind in a stupor. He numbly walked down the halls, vaguely aware that he was banned from the school grounds for the time being. _I was at the top of the hill, tied for first - now look at me. Transferred to Class E - what a joke._

 _I guess it's fitting. Here I am, the biggest failure, being sent to the class of failures. How poetic.  
_

"Akabane, wait up!"

Karma's feet stuttered to a halt, his brain somehow managing to identify the voice through its fog. _Gakushuu... oh, no._

Gakushuu fell into step beside Karma, darting a concerned glance his way. "Are you okay? I overheard some boys talking about you. They said you got into a fight with some Year Three student and now you're in big trouble."

Karma let out a quiet snicker that resembled a sob more than a laugh. "Yeah, I guess I am."

"Well? What happened?"

"I got suspended for the rest of the year, and I'll be in Class E for my third year."

 _Silence._

Karma studied his shoes and waited for the outburst that was sure to come. _I wonder if he'll pull me into a classroom before he yells at me,_ Karma mused. _Or will his temper get the best of him?_

Gakushuu hurriedly yanking him into an empty classroom answered that question.

He gripped Karma's shoulders tight enough to leave bruises as he shook him. " _What_ did you just say?"

"I got suspended for the rest of the year, and I'll be in Class E for my third year." Karma repeated, an annoyed edge sneaking its way into his tone.

"What the hell, Karma?!" Gakushuu jabbed his finger into Karma's chest. "What were you _thinking?_ You can't go to Class E! That's where the freaks, the idiots, the _failures_ go."

 _(Failure. Failure. Failure.)_

Karma stared blankly at Gakushuu as he shoved his hand away. "Fitting, isn't it?"

Gakushuu gaped at him. "What are you talking about?"

Mercury eyes narrowed in irritation. "You know _exactly_ what I'm talking about, _nii-chan,_ " he spat. Karma's heart was racing, and he vaguely realized through the adrenaline that he was about to be entirely _too_ honest with Gakushuu, but he couldn't stop himself. He was just the right amount of sleep-deprived and enraged to dump all his frustration and resentment on Gakushuu. "After all, I was always a _failure_ and a _freak_ compared to you, wasn't I?"

Gakushuu blinked in shock, stunned speechless.

Karma continued, "we both know _otou-san_ always saw me as a failure, didn't he?" Karma chuckled bitterly. "And _okaa-san_ definitely thinks I'm a freak. So it's fitting, isn't it? That I'd end up in the class for _freaks_ and _failures._ " Karma looked at Gakushuu with wild, manic eyes. "You always were the golden child, weren't you? So that left me - the useless second son that had to work too hard for grades _you_ effortlessly pulled off. This is how it's supposed to go, _ne?_ You - shining in Class A. Me - abandoned in Class E. It's like this was always meant to happen!" Karma laughed, the bitterness morphing into savage, deranged glee.

Gakushuu frowned at him, the look on his face so concerned that it made Karma's blood boil. _You don't have any right to look that way,_ he wanted to snarl. _You **abandoned** me. Don't go and play the caring older brother now. _

Gakushuu sighed, the frustration ebbing out of his tense form. "Just study over the break and get back here as soon as you can, all right? You should have no trouble with the midterms." He turned to go, but paused when he came to the door. With one hand on the doorknob, he glanced back over his shoulder, an unreadable look in his eye. "You were never a freak or a failure to me, little brother." **[2]**

He vacated the room with Karma glaring silently at his back.

 _Then why did you leave me?_

* * *

Karma scowled at the wall of his bedroom as he listened to the shrill dial tone of his cell phone. _I wonder what she'll say to this,_ Karma mused. _Will I get another 'that's nice, dear'? Wouldn't that be hilarious? Getting the same response to my greatest high and my greatest low - how fitting!_

 _"What is it, Karma?"_ His mother's voice was hurried and vaguely annoyed.

"I got suspended for fighting," Karma said blandly, cruel reality not allowing him to hope that she would care at all. "And I got transferred to Class E for my third year."

There was a beat of silence as his mother processed the information. _"All right. Try to get back to the main campus soon. You wouldn't want to mess up your transcripts for senior high school."_

"Yeah," he agreed dully. "Wouldn't want to do that."

 _"Was that all?"_

"Yes."

 _"Okay, then. Bye, Karma."_

She hung up before he could reciprocate.

Karma smiled, bitter and mirthless, at the floor of his bedroom. _Congratulations, okaa-san,_ he thought dryly. _I think you've reached the ultimate level of Not Caring. The only person ahead of you in that respect would be otou-san, but he's kind of a legend in that department. You really couldn't hope to surpass him. Still, managing to convey that much disinterest in your son in only seven sentences is a real feat. How will you top it next time?_

 **_I just can't wait to find out._ **

* * *

_**April** _

_The moon looks so strange now,_ Karma mused, staring up at the night sky with his head tilted in consideration. _Who would have thought such an immense rock could be blown to smithereens so easily? I wonder what happened. Some freak accident? An experiment gone wrong? Some crazy super villain's dastardly scheme?_ Karma grinned in amusement. _I_ _'ve been playing too many video games. My imagination is getting away from me._ Karma studied the moon for a while longer before he hummed in satisfaction and returned to studying.

 _I suppose it doesn't matter. I doubt I'll ever know what really happened, anyway._

* * *

Karma glanced up from his textbooks, an annoyed scowl taking over his face as he heard his cell phone's ringtone. He sighed, stretched, then shuffled over to his bed to retrieve it. When he read the Caller ID, he frowned once more.

 _Blocked Number._

Karma answered it with an annoyed huff, "hello?"

 _"Is this Akabane Karma?"_

Karma rolled his eyes. "Yes, genius. Who else would be answering this phone?"

The man on the other end ignored his provocation and continued in his unflappable tone, _"this is Agent Tsuruta with the Ministry of Defense. I have orders to arrange a meeting with you for tomorrow."_

Karma blinked in shock, then grinned maliciously. "Hey, _oji-san,"_ he purred. "Aren't you a little too old to be pulling pranks like this? Impersonating an agent, too," Karma tutted mockingly. "I could report you for this, you know."

 _"We'll send a car to pick you up tomorrow at ten o'clock sharp. Please be ready. Also, this meeting is classified, so you are prohibited from informing your parents, or telling any friends or relations."_ The phone call ended with an abrupt click.

Karma removed the phone from his ear and stared at it, his eyebrows furrowed in confusion.

 _What the hell just happened?_

* * *

 **Footnotes**

 _ **[1]** This is a direct quote from the manga. It's found in chapter 6.  
 **[2]** Originally, I wanted to use the Japanese word for little brother. However, it appears that the Japanese word (otouto) isn't used when you're talking directly to your younger brother. Instead, it's used when you're talking about your younger brother. You learn something new every day, I guess._


End file.
